I haven’t written a post here in over a year. In fact my last post prior to the year-old post was written in March 2011 – that’s nearly 3 years ago! I actually did not forgot about this blog. I checked in several times over the years and added many half written posts to the collection.
I started this blog as a medium of sharing what I felt God was teaching me with the world. He has not stopped teaching me, however I was less inclined to walking in obedience. I chose various distractions and became complacent. The quality of my devotional life dwindled and ultimately, I stopped dreaming. What I was actually doing was pushing away the woman that I am and adopting the life of another.
I tried a few times to ‘restart’ the blog without success. Truth is, I cannot lie or pretend to save my life. Not that I had nothing to write, but that I was not really prepared to share the truth. I was not willing to deal with the root of the problem. Like Jesus said to the Ephesian church – you have forgotten your first love (Revelations 2:4). I had. I no longer loved Him like I used to. I made excuses for not getting involved in things relating to Him. I shied away from putting my hands to the plow. I hid from His love and shut my ears from His convictions. Pride goes before a fall, haughtiness before disaster. I had fallen and did not wish to get up.
But His love never failed me. He did not leave me. He did not forsake me. He did not let go. Because if He did, it would have been my end.
One thing I learnt over this period is this, this race is not about what we do but about who we are. I attended church most Sundays, got involved in some religious meetings, prayed a few times a week most weeks, read the bible now and again, did the giving thing. I think I may have even given more during this time than before. But it was all religion. There was no life in it. It no longer flowed out of the abundance of the love in my heart. Those things had become rituals and I had changed. I had moments where I felt connected, but these were few and far in between.
Now I am changed again. It feels like I have been woken up from a deep sleep. And as anyone who has ever been put to sleep knows, it can take a little while for you to be fully awake again and back to your usual self. I am slowly coming to life but I am awake.
What woke me up? The realisation that I was wasting away. I could be this woman I had become and remain hollow, empty, and unfulfilled. Or I could be the person I truly am and be alive, full and satisfied. You see truth sets free only when we are willing to receive it. Love liberates, only if you embrace it. I must accept the truth about who I am, love that woman and embrace her for all she is.
So where do I go from here? Jesus said to the Ephesian Church, do what you did at the beginning. We all know what we did when we first got saved, like the beginning of a romantic relationship, you are at your best. You chase after the other party’s love. You strive to keep their attention, you want to share every moment and time with them, you are interested and show interest. I have learnt that the only way to keep love alive in a relationship, is to continue and improve on the way you started. Whatever made you fall in love in the first place is what keeps you in love. I’m falling in love all over again. Rearranging my thoughts and life and getting back to the things that once kept my fire alive.
I am interested again :-) x